I'll admit to watching "Britain's Got Talent" - my only excuse is to conduct a
serious study of linguistics in describing the talent of the
competitors. My study is concluded - everyone on "Britain's Got Talent" is
either considered to be amazing, or has had an amazing experience on
the show. Not many of the competitors thought it was fantastic,stupendous, excellent or supercalifragilisticexpealidocious... only amazing. The proof can be seen in detail below.
IT'S ALIVE!
I
have created the ultimate librarian. A stylish and modern creation
built from all that is great and good in the library world. It was a
project I decided to embark on after realising that my fellow librarian
colleagues lacked a certain something. They left me feeling unfulfilled
and low with their responses to questions such as "UKMARC 248 or MARC21
245$n$p?", "Do you ever think that UDC classification is destroying the
balance between good and evil?" and "Could you possibly squeeze Terry
Wogan back on the shelves between Bernie Winters and Heinz Wolf?" I
would often be greeted by grunts, burps and jargonned-up library speak
in my daily toil.
After years of dissapointment, I decided that their second rate library skills were no good to me any more. I needed to reach a higher level of librarianship. I felt I could only do this by creating the ultimate librarian. "How am I to do this?" I questioned myself for days and days, pacing the streets at the dead of night, unable to rest as this thought churned through my possessed mind. "Aha!" I thought one day, after weeks of mental torture. "I will build a librarian from jam and nettles. I will make it's nose from a carrot and it's heart from an empty fish finger box." Realising I had the answer to my problems, I set about working on the project. Within 24 minutes I had completed my work. In an attempt to give it life I put it in the oven for an hour. Foolish, foolish man that I am, in celebration I drank a large sherry, which caused me to fall asleep in front of the televsion. When I awoke my creation was overcooked - jam baked as hard as boiled sweets, nettles crisped to buggery and fish finger box frazzled. The carrot was fine though, so I ate that immediately. I knew I had taken a wrong turn in my quest, anyway. I knew what I must do.
I made a call to the nearest grave robbers. Settling on a fee of thripence a limb, I requested them to travel the world, scouting out the burial places of my silent heroes. Throughout their journey from Europe to Asia and The America's they telegrammed me with progress reports. As more body parts were collected and they rattled off names like a who's who in the library world I became more and more excited, so much so that I had to tether myself to the bed to stop the frenzy of classification it now drove me to. They returned with their prizes and I set about putting my creation together. It was tiring work, but I carried on like a man possessed throughout day and night, only stopping for a light tea at around 4:30pm prompt every day. Within a week I was finished. It drew it's first breath yesterday and was instantly able to tell me what Dewey number I should classify Shakira's new single under... 363.7282 . We've talked for hours about the future of libraries, the impact of the internet on public library use and theories of library management. I have already replaced 6 staff with this one superior bibliotron. I have told no-one where this creature has come from yet, who has formed it, but my dear reader I will let you into the secret. Prepare to be amazed by this wonderous being...
Hector
Berlioz provided the hair, giving the creature an air of eccentricity.
Although, I'm not sure if I have now made a mistake, as it also gives
him a look of Bernie Ecclestone. Jacob Grimm provided both the studious
spectacles and eyes. I didn't want to go for a cliched look, but I felt
the spectacles gave it an air of wisdom. The eyes came with the
glasses, as they came off in the hands of the grave robbers - "Waste
not, want not," they said. Melvil Dewey gave the beard. I caught my
creature hiding an unclassified copy of "Penthouse" in those whiskers
today. This must have been caused by the desire provided by Casanova's
pantage area. Philip Larkin provided the smirk. Well, what is the point
of a librarian without an air of "I know it all"? Laura Bush's torso
and arms gave my creature a strength that would allow it to push three
overladen book/ DVD trolleys at the same time - unfortunately it looks
as if Casanova's pantage area has taken over the nerve endings on the
right arm. I suspected this would happen, so I added a third from
Chairman Mao, thus enabling the creature to catalogue on it's personal
pda whilst pushing the trolleys. This arm is also very skillfull with a
ping pong bat (pictured) and I have signed the creature up for the
local table tennis league. This of course is for professional reasons,
rather than recreational. Once infiltrated into the group the creatures
masterly art of conversation will persuade other club members that
libraries do have something to offer them. Around the waist I applied
some fuzzy boolean logic in an attempt to disguise the join. Then, as I
mentioned earlier, Casanova provided the groin area. Finally, Lewis
Caroll allowed us the use of his long legs - perfect for covering the
acres of space between the shelves. Incidentally, I don't know what was
wrong with the man, but this area appears to be attracting a lot of
flies! Hopefully this is a temporary matter and will soon settle down.
As
an aside, I must apologise to Laura Bush, as I have been reminded that
she is not yet dead. I do appreciate her giving up her arms and torso
for the project. Hopefully her new wooden body and limbs will help her
overcome any distress this has caused.
What can computers do now that you never dreamed would be possible? What do you hope they’ll be able to do in the future?
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I'm always surprised when I wake up and find my PC at the foot of my bed, with my slippers in its mouth and a cooked breakfast in its DVD tray. 25 years ago, when I was a small boy, I never imagined that my feeble Z80A processor driven home computer would evolve into a walking, talking, cooking friend. This chipboard buddy has given me great financial savings too - I never spend any money on socialising with my ex-human Twitterati chums, as I've ditched them all. I love every moment of staying at home and conversing with chipolata Charly, my special techy friend. And who would have thought that he'd be able to tap dance as well - where do the guys at Intel and IBM come up with these ideas. And he's a very good swimmer too, although he does go a bit glitchy if he spends too much time under water. Don't worry though, it's nothing a hearty rub down with a towel won't sort out.
He obviously still has his shortcomings, though. I'm looking forward to the day he can juggle cats in the dark. Its got the hang of juggling dogs in the daytime, but obviously more processing power will be needed to juggle cats. I'll give it 3 years before we get there, but you never know... it might come sooner. I do hope so. In the mean time, I'll settle with what I've got.
Why do you love your body?
Sponsored by Body by Victoria®from Victoria's Secret.
I had it built to a locally tendered specification. Advertised in the European Journal of Body Economics I had limited responses, but that didn't matter, as Victoria came through for me, offering a service that competitors came nowhere near to competing with. Sleek lines, gloss finish and two bags of free chippy chips all in with the price. I can't recommend Victoria enough. She even designed it to fit it into a small suitcase, so I can take it on holiday with me and nobody notices it. Thank you Victoria, you saved my life. Before you, I was lost - now I'm a Victoria Body. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Oops! Nearly shot off the end of the screen! But that's always the way, when I talk about my new Victoria Body.
In a move to attract more viewers, Coronation Street is releasing a spin-off DVD, in which characters that have been a long time dead are ressurected to torment current stars, such as Steve Macdonald and Emily Bishop. Current previews show Rita defending sherbert based sweets and tatty gossip mags in The Kabin from a long line of marauding zombie ex-husbands and suitors... each keen to express their undying love by taking a bite out of her head. Rumours are that Norris Cole bears arms alongside Kevin Webster as Ena Sharples and Albert Tatlock try to bust up the street in a ravenous octogenerian undead frenzy. On a more tender note Emily Bishop is reunited with her one true love, Ernest, who was murdered years ago. A poignant scene shows them settling down for afternoon tea and an eccles cake as Ernest's corpse nose drops into a jug of milk. In a dark and very unchristian twist, Emily gives Ernest the phone number of his killer and Ernest takes the opportunity to call him and making terrifying groaning and gurgling noises down the phone. The DVD is due out at the end of August.
Parts of Europe are in uproar following an announcement yesterday that
jumbo sausage rolls are to be banned from sale in September. This follows
stricter enforcement of big game hunting laws in the southern hemisphere.
Representatives from various countries, all smelling of their own countries
cliched food types (ie. pickled herring, garlic, bad cheese, pot noodle)
announced that "Jumbo sausage rolls in a caring 21st century world are no
longer acceptable." Protesters claim this will lead to the supply of meaty
savoury snacks being forced underground and being cut with tofu based pachyderm
substitute by unscrupulous pasty dealers.
