IT'S ALIVE!
I
have created the ultimate librarian. A stylish and modern creation
built from all that is great and good in the library world. It was a
project I decided to embark on after realising that my fellow librarian
colleagues lacked a certain something. They left me feeling unfulfilled
and low with their responses to questions such as "UKMARC 248 or MARC21
245$n$p?", "Do you ever think that UDC classification is destroying the
balance between good and evil?" and "Could you possibly squeeze Terry
Wogan back on the shelves between Bernie Winters and Heinz Wolf?" I
would often be greeted by grunts, burps and jargonned-up library speak
in my daily toil.
After years of dissapointment, I decided that
their second rate library skills were no good to me any more. I needed
to reach a higher level of librarianship. I felt I could only do this
by creating the ultimate librarian. "How am I to do this?" I questioned
myself for days and days, pacing the streets at the dead of night,
unable to rest as this thought churned through my possessed mind.
"Aha!" I thought one day, after weeks of mental torture. "I will build
a librarian from jam and nettles. I will make it's nose from a carrot
and it's heart from an empty fish finger box." Realising I had the
answer to my problems, I set about working on the project. Within 24
minutes I had completed my work. In an attempt to give it life I put it
in the oven for an hour. Foolish, foolish man that I am, in celebration
I drank a large sherry, which caused me to fall asleep in front of the
televsion. When I awoke my creation was overcooked - jam baked as hard
as boiled sweets, nettles crisped to buggery and fish finger box
frazzled. The carrot was fine though, so I ate that immediately. I knew
I had taken a wrong turn in my quest, anyway. I knew what I must do.
I
made a call to the nearest grave robbers. Settling on a fee of
thripence a limb, I requested them to travel the world, scouting out
the burial places of my silent heroes. Throughout their journey from
Europe to Asia and The America's they telegrammed me with progress
reports. As more body parts were collected and they rattled off names
like a who's who in the library world I became more and more excited,
so much so that I had to tether myself to the bed to stop the frenzy of
classification it now drove me to. They returned with their prizes and
I set about putting my creation together. It was tiring work, but I
carried on like a man possessed throughout day and night, only stopping
for a light tea at around 4:30pm prompt every day. Within a week I was
finished. It drew it's first breath yesterday and was instantly able to
tell me what Dewey number I should classify Shakira's new single
under... 363.7282 . We've talked for hours about the future of
libraries, the impact of the internet on public library use and
theories of library management. I have already replaced 6 staff with
this one superior bibliotron. I have told no-one where this creature
has come from yet, who has formed it, but my dear reader I will let you
into the secret. Prepare to be amazed by this wonderous being...
Hector
Berlioz provided the hair, giving the creature an air of eccentricity.
Although, I'm not sure if I have now made a mistake, as it also gives
him a look of Bernie Ecclestone. Jacob Grimm provided both the studious
spectacles and eyes. I didn't want to go for a cliched look, but I felt
the spectacles gave it an air of wisdom. The eyes came with the
glasses, as they came off in the hands of the grave robbers - "Waste
not, want not," they said. Melvil Dewey gave the beard. I caught my
creature hiding an unclassified copy of "Penthouse" in those whiskers
today. This must have been caused by the desire provided by Casanova's
pantage area. Philip Larkin provided the smirk. Well, what is the point
of a librarian without an air of "I know it all"? Laura Bush's torso
and arms gave my creature a strength that would allow it to push three
overladen book/ DVD trolleys at the same time - unfortunately it looks
as if Casanova's pantage area has taken over the nerve endings on the
right arm. I suspected this would happen, so I added a third from
Chairman Mao, thus enabling the creature to catalogue on it's personal
pda whilst pushing the trolleys. This arm is also very skillfull with a
ping pong bat (pictured) and I have signed the creature up for the
local table tennis league. This of course is for professional reasons,
rather than recreational. Once infiltrated into the group the creatures
masterly art of conversation will persuade other club members that
libraries do have something to offer them. Around the waist I applied
some fuzzy boolean logic in an attempt to disguise the join. Then, as I
mentioned earlier, Casanova provided the groin area. Finally, Lewis
Caroll allowed us the use of his long legs - perfect for covering the
acres of space between the shelves. Incidentally, I don't know what was
wrong with the man, but this area appears to be attracting a lot of
flies! Hopefully this is a temporary matter and will soon settle down.
As
an aside, I must apologise to Laura Bush, as I have been reminded that
she is not yet dead. I do appreciate her giving up her arms and torso
for the project. Hopefully her new wooden body and limbs will help her
overcome any distress this has caused.